Best jokes about psychiatrist

Psychiatrist: What's your problem?

Psychiatrist: "What's your problem?"

Patient: "I think I'm a chicken."

Psychiatrist: "How long has this been going on?"

Patient: "Ever since I was an egg!"

A man went to the psychiatrist because he had a fear of thunder.

A man went to the psychiatrist because he had a fear of thunder. “Doc, I don’t know what to do,” said the man.
The doctor replied, “That’s ridiculous. Thunder is a natural phenomenon – nothing to be afraid of. Whenever you hear thunder, do like I do: Put your head under the pillow and it will go away.”

My psychiatrist diagnosed me with being a compulsive liar.

My psychiatrist diagnosed me with being a compulsive liar.

Then she sucked my cock.

I said to my psychiatrist, Am I going mad?

I said to my psychiatrist, "Am I going mad? I think I'm a piece of toast."

She said, "I don't think you're mad."

I said, "You're just trying to butter me up."

Patient: Doctor I've been seeing striped cows!

Patient: Doctor I've been seeing striped cows!"
Doctor: "Have you seen a Psychiatrist?"
Patient: "No only striped cows!"

A guy tells his psychiatrist, “I always have this weird...

A guy tells his psychiatrist, “I always have this weird dream at night. I am locked in a room with a door on which there is a sign. I try to push it with all my strength, but no matter how hard I try, it won’t budge." The psychiatrist muses, “Interesting." But tell me what does the sign on the door say? The guy replies, “It says 'Pull'”!!!

A psychiatrist's secretary walks into his study and says,...

A psychiatrist's secretary walks into his study and says,
"There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you.
Claims he's invisible."
The psychiatrist responds, "Tell him I can't see him."

A psychiatrist’s secretary went into her boss's office.

A psychiatrist’s secretary went into her boss's office. Secretary: "Sir, someone would like to see you. Claims he's invisible."
Psychiatrist: "Tell him I can't see him."

A worried patient went to his psychiatrist.

A worried patient went to his psychiatrist.
"I'm in love with my horse," he said.
"But that's nothing," replied the shrink. "A lot of people love animals.
For instance, my wife and I have a dog that we love very much."
"Ah, but doctor," the patient replied. "It's a sexual attraction that I
feel toward my horse."
"Ahhh!" exclaimed the doc. "What kind of a horse is it? Male or female?"
"Female, of course," said the bloke. "What do you think I am, a faggot!"

While walking to the ninth hole, one psychiatrist said to...

While walking to the ninth hole, one psychiatrist said to his colleague, would you believe that yesterday I had a patient who claimed he heard music every time he put on his hat?”
“Really? What did you do?”
The psychiatrist answered, “I took it away and removed the band.”

I've an odd mental illness where I believe I'm the world's...

I've an odd mental illness where I believe I'm the world's only psychiatrist.

Who the fuck can I talk to about it?

A man visits his doctor and says, doctor, I keep seeing...

A man visits his doctor and says, doctor, I keep seeing green Martians before my eyes.
The doctor asks have you seen a psychiatrist?
The patient says, "No Only green Martians!"

A psychiatrist was trying to comfort a new patient who was...

A psychiatrist was trying to comfort a new patient who was terribly upset. “You see, Doc,” the patient explained, “my problem is that I like shoes much better than I like boots.” “Why, that’s no problem,” answered the doctor. “Most people like shoes better than boots.”
The patient was thrilled, “That’s neat, Doc. How do you like them, fried or scrambled?

Q.

Q. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Just one, but that light bulb really has to want to change!

A general noticed one of his privates was behaving oddly.

A general noticed one of his privates was behaving oddly. He'd pick up a piece of paper and say, "No, no, that's not it!" After some weeks he was seen by the psychiatrist. The psychiatrist concluded the private was deranged and wrote his discharge from the army. The private picked it up and said, "Yes, that's it!"

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