Best jokes about prison

I was sent to prison and I said to my cell mate, I won't...

I was sent to prison and I said to my cell mate, "I won't be in here long."

He replied, "Well the judge did give you 6 years."

"Yeah I know, but I think my wife will break me out, she's never let me finish a fucking sentence before."

It's being reported that Justin Bieber is facing six...

It's being reported that Justin Bieber is facing six months in prison over an alleged assault on a photographer, I don't know what's worse for them: Justin Bieber being sent to jail,

or the photographer having to admit he was beaten up by Justin Bieber.

Hitler told his generals running the prisoner camps he had...

Hitler told his generals running the prisoner camps he had to get them to be more sporty.

So they decided to play cricket, the English made up their team, the Australians made their team,

And the Jews made up the ashes.

Imprisoned footballer Ched Evans launches rape appeal ...

Imprisoned footballer Ched Evans launches rape appeal

He wants to be careful what asks for in prison.

Can you believe it?

Can you believe it? My Income Tax return form has been sent back to me because, in response to question 4,
"Do you have anyone dependant on you?", I replied :

"2.1 million Illegal Immigrants,

1.1 million Crackheads,

4.4 million Unemployable Jeremy Kyle Nation Scroungers,

900,000 Criminals in over 85 Prisons,

Plus 650 Idiots in Parliament and the Whole of the European Commission."

They said this was not an acceptable answer!

So, who the hell did I miss out?

On my first day in prison I was taking a shower when I...

On my first day in prison I was taking a shower when I noticed a bar of Dove lying on the floor.

Some big black guy said, "Hey, where's the soap?"

I said, "I'll be fucked if I know."

So, John Terry's defence was that he was only repeating...

So, John Terry's defence was that he was only repeating what Anton Ferdinand had said to him. This was the reason that the court cleared him months ago.

Well, I was down the park earlier and heard 2 children bickering over having to share their sweets with each other. The little girl turned to her brother and said "You're really tight, even for a 5 year old!!"

Later on in my basement, I repeated that statement to the little girl, and now I'm looking at 20 years in prison.

Un-fucking-fair.

What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escaped from prison?

What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escaped from prison? A small medium at large.

Being a prison guard has to be the easiest job ever.

Being a prison guard has to be the easiest job ever.

I mean, who's going to steal a prison?

Men’s brains are like prison system: not enough cells per man.

Men’s brains are like prison system: not enough cells per man.

When i was in prison, all i could think about was my wife,...

When i was in prison, all i could think about was my wife, and how i missed her.

An inch to the right and it would've been a headshot!

The prison officer tells the warden, “Sir, I have to...

The prison officer tells the warden, “Sir, I have to report that ten prisoners have broken out.”
The alarmed warden says, “Blow the whistles, sound the alarms, alert the police.
With a surprised look the officer says, “Shouldn’t we call the doctor first – it looks as if it might be measles.

After being arrested for robbery, Quinn hired the best...

After being arrested for robbery, Quinn hired the best lawyer in town.
“Look,” the crook said, “I’ve got nearly a million in cash in my bank box.
Can you get me off?”
The lawyer said, “Believe me, pal, you will never go to prison with that kind of money.”
And sure enough, he did not. He went to prison flat broke.

Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years.

Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and
son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the
car.
The only thing he said was, "F.F."
His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."
Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."
She responded simply, "E.F."
He repeated, "F.F."
She again replied, "E.F."
"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled.
"What's going on?"
Bad Bernie answered,
"Your mother wants to eat first!"

A man was applying for a job as a prison guard.

A man was applying for a job as a prison guard. The warden said, “Now these are
real tough guys in here.” Do you can handle it?” “No problem,” the applicant replied,
“If they don’t behave, out they go!”

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