Best jokes about lie

I was talking to my neighbours teenage daughter the other...

I was talking to my neighbours teenage daughter the other day and I found out that she's really into aliens and UFO's and stuff like that, which is good!

Because she's getting abducted tomorrow.

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands for money.

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands for money.

Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks: "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "Yes sir, I did."

The robber shot him in the head, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!"

My mate and I were sitting in a pub when he asked me: So...

My mate and I were sitting in a pub when he asked me:
"So what do you prefer anal sex or oral sex?"

"Easy one," I replied. "Anal sex all the way. I do it all time."

"Okay, then how about this: Anal sex or vaginal sex?"

"Vaginal sex?" I snickered. "I don't have a vagina."

If you have 4 pencil and i have 7 apples, how many...

If you have 4 pencil and i have 7 apples, how many pancakes will fit on the roof? Purple, because aliens don't wear hats.

I can't believe Rio hasn't been selected for the Euros.

I can't believe Rio hasn't been selected for the Euros.

I know it's in Brazil but it's a great city.

I was speaking to some girl in a bar the other day and...

I was speaking to some girl in a bar the other day and things were going well when a man tapped me on the shoulder and said
'Excuse me mate, you do know she is only 13!?'
'Don't worry' I replied, 'I'm not superstitious!!' (via Roy Chubby Brown)

I was serving a fat woman at work today when she brought...

I was serving a fat woman at work today when she brought something without a barcode. My boss went to find one, I put everything through the till and said "I'm sorry about your wait there."

She replied, "That's okay, no problem."

I couldn't help but think that fat people don't seem to take offence to weight insults anymore.

Some people don't like Hitler but at least he had the ball...

Some people don't like Hitler but at least he had the ball to do what he believed in.

I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today.

I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today.

Unfortunately, it's only for victims. (via Gary Delaney)

My mate offered me a dog but he says there's one little problem.

My mate offered me a dog but he says there's one little problem.

"What?" I asked.

"It's afraid of fat people," he said, "do you still want it?"

"I don't know," I replied, "I'll have to run it past my wife first."

I was sent to prison and I said to my cell mate, I won't...

I was sent to prison and I said to my cell mate, "I won't be in here long."

He replied, "Well the judge did give you 6 years."

"Yeah I know, but I think my wife will break me out, she's never let me finish a fucking sentence before."

My friend said to me: 'If you could go back in time and...

My friend said to me: 'If you could go back in time and shoot Hitler as a baby, would you?'

I replied: 'No, Because as a baby, I probably wasn't strong enough to carry a gun

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment ..."

The husband replies: "Your eyesight's damn Perfect."

I joined a dating agency the other day.

I joined a dating agency the other day. It asked me what I liked most and I replied "Girls From Page 3".
I wondered why I had no replies, until I noticed the letter "P" wasn't working on my keyboard.....

A man walked into his doctor's office on Friday and asked...

A man walked into his doctor's office on Friday and asked for a double dose of Viagra. "What do you need it for?", the doctor asked. "Well, my ex wife is coming over tonight, my girlfriend is coming over Saturday and my wife gets home from her business trip on Sunday", he replied.
On Monday, the man walks into the doctor's office with his right arm in a sling.
"What happened?" asked the doctor.
"Nobody showed up" said the man

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