Today on the Jeremy Kyle Show: "A family in ruins; the husband shouts racial rants at our guests including the Americans, Irish, French and Chinese, the eldest son is accused of having an affair with a woman 30 years younger than him - we have lie detector results, and my team will be helping one of the grandsons who thinks its funny to dress up as a nazi"
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Queen Elizabeth to the stage...
I was walking in the street the other day, when I overheard a priest and an imam arguing against each other.
"Islam is fake. Your religion is full of lies,"the priest said to the imam.
"No, Christianity is a lie ! Your religion is just made up!," the imam replied back.
I walked in closer to them and said, "Well in this case, I agree with both of you."
One bright day in the middle of the night, two dead boys got up to fight. Back to back they faced each other, drew their knives and shot each other. A deaf policeman heard the noise. Came and killed those two dead boys. If you don't believe this lie is true, just ask the blind man he saw it too!!!
"If you don't stop being naughty I'll tell santa and his elf and you won't get any presents"
"but daddy if I don't get any presents I'll tell mummy that you tried to put your willie in me" replied the little girl.
"but that's a lie. I have never touched you" answered the anxious father.
"I know" said the little girl with a smile " but you're not the only one who can make up a story about a fat fuck and his little friend!!"
Little Johnny is out walking with his dad when they see two dogs shagging on the other side of the road.
"What are they doing, Dad?" asks Johnny.
"Well, the front dog is tired and the other is pushing him all the way home so he can lie down in his basket."
Little Johnny thinks, then says, "Good thing Mum was holding onto the kitchen table yesterday, otherwise the postman would've pushed her all the way to the Post Office."
George Washington probably did not chop down his father's cherry tree. George Washington probably did not admit it by saying, I cannot tell a lie!" But people often repeat this story because it shows Washington's honesty. One day, Little Suzy once asked her mother, "Mom, do people who never tell lies go to heaven?" "Yes", her mother answered, "they are the only ones." "Gosh, I bet it gets lonesome up there with just God and George Washington! replied Little Suzy.
Some older friends were dining at a restaurant, and one said how interesting it would be it you could turn back the clock and lie your life over again.
Well, you know what I would like? said another diner. Id like to be eighteen years old but to know what I know now.
At this point the counter waitress, who had been clearing the table, stopped and said,
Im eighteen. What is it you know?
Two illegal Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the
United States, wandering aimlessly and starving.
They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk". "Si, Luis, eet
sure smells like bacon".
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the
distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...
every imaginable kind of cured pork!
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree".
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget".
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like
bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres,
Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and
Luis drops like a wet sock.
Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,
"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it?"
"Pepe... ees not a bacon tree. Ees-ees-ees... ees a ham bush..."