A young couple adopt a German baby. He was a perfectly normal except for the fact he never spoke a word.
They had him tested in every different way to find out what was wrong but nothing came up until one day aged five after lunch he says, "This strudel is tepid."
His parents are completely amazed. "What's been wrong? How can you talk? Why haven't you spoken before?"
The boy turned to the parents and slowly replies, "Until now, everything has been satisfactory."
A bunch of Germans had been on the beer and wanted to take a piss in the middle of London.
They asked a policeman, "Where's the nearest place we can take a piss?"
The policeman says, "You can go round the side of this building and piss on it as much as you want".
Having pissed themselves happy, one German says to the copper, "Is zis wot zey call English hospitality".
The copper says, "Fuck off, that's what we call the French Embassy".
At an international medical conference, and American, a German and a Russian were discussing the shortcomings of their diagnoses.
The American said; I cant stand it sometimes, We treat patients for cancer, and they die of AIDS. I know what you mean, said the German We treat them for yellow fever; ant it turns out they had malaria. We dont have that problem in our country, said the Russian doctor. When we treat patients for a disease, they die of that disease.
It seems very unfair that people brand certain dogs as 'dangerous'. These dogs spend less that 1% of their lives mauling children and babies, and yet they are branded as dangerous. 99% of the time they are not savaging anyone. If your car worked 99% of the time you would not call it 'unreliable'. Maybe it's just that I've never been scared of dangerous animals. I was once bitten on the arse by a German Shepherd, but he apologised afterwards and even introduced me to his dog.
My daughter brought home her new black boyfriend last night. I was under explicit instructions to be on my best behaviour and not say anything out of turn.
Things were going well until I admired his watch as I offered him some traditional German Christmas cake.
"That's a nice watch you've got, Leroy... Stollen?"
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter There will be growing public enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in our languag is disgrasful and should be eliminated.
By the 4th yer, people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis, and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza -- Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German, like zey vunted us to in ze forst plas.
Four translators are arguing about what is the most beautiful language. The Englishman says: Oh, its English English is so expressive. Think of the word butterfly. It gives you a wonderful image of a tiny creature flitting through the air...
The Frenchman says: Ah non, the French word for butterfly its so light... so airy: papillon.
The Spaniard says: Oh, but the Spanish word for butterfly is the most beautiful of all. Listen... mariposa.
The German scowls and mutters to nobody in particular: Und vat iss wrong mit Schmetterling?