Best jokes about breath

Q: What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

Q: What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
A: "BREATHE YOU IDIOT, BREATHE!"

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the bus home today, she...

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the bus home today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.

I thought she was dead until I saw the red dot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

The angry wife met her husband at the door.

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There is." he replied, "Breakfast."

Every time I see characters go underwater in a film I like...

Every time I see characters go underwater in a film I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived that situation.

Just watched Finding Nemo.

Nearly fucking died.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the bus home, she shut her...

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the bus home, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.

I thought she was dead for a minute there until I saw the red dot on her forehead and realized she was just on standby.

After the doctor delivered Chuck Norris he slapped Chuck...

After the doctor delivered Chuck Norris he slapped Chuck Norris on the butt. While he realized that Chuck was already breathing he did it merely for posterity.

The Japanese are the only other group of people who have made a worse mistake!

Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a...

Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or
an airline stewardess?

A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says, "We're
going to have to do this over and over
again until we get it right." An airline stewardess says, "Just hold this
over your mouth and nose, and breath
normally."

I rang the garage today about my car.

I rang the garage today about my car.

"How's it looking?" I asked.

The mechanic said nothing, and drew his breath through pursed lips.

"That bad?" I remarked.

"No, " he replied, "just shut my fingers in your bonnet."

Guy: I hope I don't get a cake on my birthday.

Guy: I hope I don't get a cake on my birthday.
Girl: Why?
Guy: Because I wouldn't be able to blow the candles out.
Girl: Why?
Guy: Because you just took my breath away!

My son is terrified of spiders to the point he can't even breathe.

My son is terrified of spiders to the point he can't even breathe.

Any time there is one in the house I smack the bastard with a cricket bat.

It's hard to fear something when you're unconscious.

Q.

Q. What is pink and fluffy?
A. Pink Fluff
Q. Whats purple and fluffy?
A. Pink fluff holding it's breath.

I walked up to a girl in the pub and said, Somebody call...

I walked up to a girl in the pub and said, "Somebody call an ambulance."

"Don't tell me," she smiled, "I've taken your breath away?"

I said, "No, you're sitting in my fucking seat."

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

How do you breathe through that thing?

Good news on Muamba.

Good news on Muamba. He's breathing without artificial aid, responding to those around him and displaying slight movement in all limbs.

If he played for Villa, a medical like that would getting him a starting place ahead of Heskey.

I got pulled over by a policeman today.

I got pulled over by a policeman today.

"Have you been drinking sir?"

"No, course not" I replied

"Take a deep breath and blow onto this for me please." Said the officer.

Moments later he says, "You have been drinking, haven't you?"

"Well what makes you so sure?"

"You've been giving me a blowjob for the past 2 minutes."

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