I got pulled over by a policeman today.
"Have you been drinking sir?"
"No, course not" I replied
"Take a deep breath and blow onto this for me please." Said the officer.
Moments later he says, "You have been drinking, haven't you?"
"Well what makes you so sure?"
"You've been giving me a blowjob for the past 2 minutes."
Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or
an airline stewardess?
A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says, "We're
going to have to do this over and over
again until we get it right." An airline stewardess says, "Just hold this
over your mouth and nose, and breath
Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.
Im jus an ordinary man, he said, walking up to her, but in just a week or two, my father will die and Ill inherit 20 million dollars.
The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.
An old bloke in the Northern Territory was showing some tourists how to
top up a camel with water.
"That way," he said, "You get an extra day out of them between drinks."
As the camel bent down to drink, the bloke picked up two bricks and bashed
them over the camel's balls.
The camel sucked in its breath and took on three days' extra water.
"Doesn't that hurt?" asked a tourist.
"Nah," replied the bloke. "Only if you get your fingers caught!"
"Sir do you mind steppin' outta the car and doin' a breath test."
"Look, you've had two pints, you're over the limit, that's a twelve month ban and a criminal record."
"Ey, it's company policy. I've got to let you go."
"I know there's only twenty thousand on the clock, but that's my final offer."
"Oh that's just great, Matt! No license, no job... now what?"
"So, what's it gonna be?"
"Fosters please, mate."
Mahatma Gandhi was a peculiar person. He walked barefoot everywhere, to thepoint that his feet became quite thick and hard. He often went on hungerstrikes, and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat muchand became quite thin and frail. He also was a very spiritual person.Finally, because he didn't eat much and when he did his diet was peculiar,he developed very bad breath. He became known as a super-calloused fragilemystic hexed by halitosis.
A woman, on meeting a psychologist at a party, made a pitch for some free professional advice. "What kind of toy would you suggest giving a little boy on his third birthday?" she asked.
"First I'd have to know more about the child," the psychologist hedged.
The woman took a deep breath. "He's very bright and quick-witted and exceptionally advanced for his age," she said. "He has good coordination, expresses himself very well..."
"Oh, I see," the psychologist said, "It's YOUR child!"