Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or
an airline stewardess?
A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says, "We're
going to have to do this over and over
again until we get it right." An airline stewardess says, "Just hold this
over your mouth and nose, and breath
I got pulled over by a policeman today.
"Have you been drinking sir?"
"No, course not" I replied
"Take a deep breath and blow onto this for me please." Said the officer.
Moments later he says, "You have been drinking, haven't you?"
"Well what makes you so sure?"
"You've been giving me a blowjob for the past 2 minutes."
Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.
Im jus an ordinary man, he said, walking up to her, but in just a week or two, my father will die and Ill inherit 20 million dollars.
The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.
An old bloke in the Northern Territory was showing some tourists how to
top up a camel with water.
"That way," he said, "You get an extra day out of them between drinks."
As the camel bent down to drink, the bloke picked up two bricks and bashed
them over the camel's balls.
The camel sucked in its breath and took on three days' extra water.
"Doesn't that hurt?" asked a tourist.
"Nah," replied the bloke. "Only if you get your fingers caught!"
Two illegal Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the
United States, wandering aimlessly and starving.
They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk". "Si, Luis, eet
sure smells like bacon".
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the
distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...
every imaginable kind of cured pork!
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree".
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget".
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like
bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres,
Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and
Luis drops like a wet sock.
Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,
"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it?"
"Pepe... ees not a bacon tree. Ees-ees-ees... ees a ham bush..."
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years,
when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single
gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a
hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for
thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'
He asks her 'Shall we?'
She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's
change positions. This time, I 'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'
"Sir do you mind steppin' outta the car and doin' a breath test."
"Look, you've had two pints, you're over the limit, that's a twelve month ban and a criminal record."
"Ey, it's company policy. I've got to let you go."
"I know there's only twenty thousand on the clock, but that's my final offer."
"Oh that's just great, Matt! No license, no job... now what?"
"So, what's it gonna be?"
"Fosters please, mate."
Mahatma Gandhi was a peculiar person. He walked barefoot everywhere, to thepoint that his feet became quite thick and hard. He often went on hungerstrikes, and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat muchand became quite thin and frail. He also was a very spiritual person.Finally, because he didn't eat much and when he did his diet was peculiar,he developed very bad breath. He became known as a super-calloused fragilemystic hexed by halitosis.
A woman, on meeting a psychologist at a party, made a pitch for some free professional advice. "What kind of toy would you suggest giving a little boy on his third birthday?" she asked.
"First I'd have to know more about the child," the psychologist hedged.
The woman took a deep breath. "He's very bright and quick-witted and exceptionally advanced for his age," she said. "He has good coordination, expresses himself very well..."
"Oh, I see," the psychologist said, "It's YOUR child!"